When No One's Watching
by JustClem
Summary: No matter how kind and fun Peridot is, Lapis is unable to reciprocate her feelings. After all, her heart is reserved for someone else. And no matter how hard Lapis tries not to, she keeps coming back to that monster of a gem.


"Are you sure you don't wanna come with?" Peridot's smile is radiant. Too radiant. Lapis wants to squint. "Steven said everyone will do this special human activity called 'sleeping'."

A 'sleep-over' is what they call it. An event in which Steven, Peridot, that other human, and - ugh - the Crystal Gems gather around in their base and... actually, she's unsure what they'll do, exactly.

Steven describes it as "A bunch of fun stuff!" Then again, as lovely as that boy is, his definition of fun isn't the same as hers.

Lapis smiles and shakes her head. She hopes Peridot isn't able to look through the smile and into the wince she's actually wearing. "Nah. You guys go on ahead. I'll stay here and look after the barn."

She says it like the barn needs to be protected. Peridot sure thinks that way. She's attached to it. Too attached.

After all, Lapis isn't the only one who's deemed as a traitor by Homeworld. Only, Peridot wants to protect the earth, and thinks it's worth it. Lapis still has trouble accepting that she's building a life here.

Peridot's smile softens into something smaller, more awkward, and more real. Her visor reflects the light of the evening sun.

Lapis has to push herself off of the wooden wall when Peridot gives her a hug. Peridot crushes her like she knows the real reason why Lapis doesn't want to go - a reason Lapis herself isn't sure what.

A pat on Peridot's shoulder is the only way Lapis recicoprates. She's still not used to affections. Especially ones that don't come from Steven.

Peridot doesn't seem to mind. She gives Lapis one last stare and smile and leaves before Lapis can think about smiling back.

The shimmering, glistering sound of the warp pad rings. Lapis sighs and thumps her head against the wall when she hears it deactivate.

The only consolation to all this is the beauty of the sun as it sets, slowly and surely. If Lapis were a human, she would've shivered at how strongly the wind blows.

Lapis lets the silence stretch on.

Until she knows she has to break it.

"You can stop hiding now."

And so the nightmare that has haunted her for too long saunters out from the shadows of the wood. Her face leans to a more neutral expression despite her furrowed eyebrows. She radiates pride and strength and sheer brute force. It shivers up Lapis' non-existing organs, unlike any other.

"Lapis."

The way she says her name. It does wonders to her. Her head buzzes. If she were able to breathe, her breath would flee from her mouth before its time.

Lapis keeps her face disinterested, her body rigid, and her tone angry when she says, "Jasper."

It pulls out a smile out of her. And Lapis has to wonder in fear if it's because she sees right through Lapis' facade or if she's happy that Lapis has uttered her name. Does it matter, either way?

She looks good, in the yellow and orange rays of the sinking sun. It brings out her stripes, and turns the hood under her eyes into a warmer color.

She looks like a tiger; a creature of this earth which humans believed to be a powerful beast.

And she looks like she's about to tackle her and claim her prey.

But Lapis is no prey.

Lapis has never been the prey. Preys are victims. And she is no victim.

Appearances can be deceiving.

"I don't want to be Malachite." She hates how soft her voice is, and how badly it - as well as herself - trembles. There's a fleeting moment where she hopes Jasper isn't able to hear her shakiness and see her shaking.

But Jasper's arm pushes onto the wall, her heat flustering her. And that's how Lapis knows not to hold on to that hope. Jasper leans close and Lapis wants her to lean closer. "Who said anything about Malachite?"

The funny thing is that Jasper isn't the one to smash their lips together. Nor is she the one to take control of where the kiss goes.

Yet when they break apart, Lapis finds herself glaring at her winning smirk. "I hate you."

"You're not the only one."

Lapis holds her gaze and falters when she looks away. "I hate this."

"No, you don't."

No, she doesn't. It sickens her, but she doesn't hate this. And that sickens her more.

Lapis wishes to say that she hates herself too. For not being able to truly separate from Jasper. For chaining herself down and letting herself be a prisoner once again. For staying here, in this wretched planet because she has nowhere else to go. For not being able to shatter any of the Crystal Gems because Steven doesn't want her to.

For a moment, she imagines herself saying it. She finds herself hearing the echo of Jasper's voice saying, "You're not the only one," and _meaning it._

She looks up, wishing to linger in those sharp eyes of hers, only to find that they're trailing away.

Lapis knows what she's looking at.

"You can't use it."

Jasper flicks her eyes back. Lapis resists the urge to rest her palm on her broad shoulders and trail it up to her collarbone. Her hands stay where they are, frozen, trapped, chained. Just like her.

"Why not?" Jasper sneers. The shadows dance within every crinkle in her features. "You hate them. I hate them. Let's kill them."

"I don't hate Peridot." Lapis doesn't need to say Steven's name. Jasper already knows. She knows so much about her. Too much, even.

Maybe the fact that she knows Jasper so much too makes things even.

"Ah, her." Jasper's frown doesn't quite disappear, but the edges of her mouth curl up. Her teeth, bare, look like fangs. "She's in love with you."

Yes, she is.

And maybe if Jasper weren't here, Lapis would be in love with her too. Or maybe not. Lapis finds it hard to love. She knows she adores Steven. And that's it. Nothing else comes to mind when she thinks about that word.

Not even the gem standing before her.

Lapis shakes in anger. She tries to dispel it by pulling Jasper into another kiss. A rougher one. Jasper kisses back with equal vigor.

They kiss until the sky turns purple.

Lapis' cheeks burn. Her hair, frazzled, is damp. Her skin is moist.

She feels the way Jasper looks.

Lapis' fingers dance and stops dancing when they linger on her gem. Jasper goes rigid.

It would be so, so easy to shatter her. Right here, right now. She's in Lapis' arms. And she's vulnerable. So, so vulnerable.

The hand hovering on Jasper's nose sinks down and cups her jaw, brushing the non-existent dust away.

It always fills her insides with nausea every time Lapis thinks about it. It doesn't get better after months of accepting it. But it's the truth, and at times like these, even when Lapis tries hard not to remember, she finds that it's the only thing she can think about:

She needs Jasper.

And there never is a good explanation as to why. There's not even any explanation at all. It's something primal. Something words cannot describe.

And it sickens her. Almost as much as she sickens herself.

Jasper moves in, and Lapis entertains the thought of pushing her away, of fleeing from this. Whatever 'this' is that ignites between them.

She imagines herself running up to Steven and Peridot, letting them shower her with a kinder, warmer love, finally no longer imprisoned.

But they've been doing this dance for months. Her and Jasper.

And Jasper keeps coming back, and she keeps letting her come back.

And, with how addicting Jasper's lips are, and how eerily comforting it is to feel her hands roam around Lapis' body, and how great it feels to feel Jasper squirm and moan her name like she'll shatter into useless pieces without her, Lapis knows she won't escape this prison any time soon.


End file.
